The Last Few Years.

I created this blog 4 years ago during a very trying time in my life.

I was at Columbia College Chicago going to classes to get a piece of paper that said "Cinema Arts + Science" specialist... Or something.

I dropped out.

I got broke. I got sad. I got depressed. I got anxiety. I got confused. I got suicidal.

I had my reality to face. I told myself that if I was willing to die- I should go ahead and live life to the fullest. Cool decision, right? 


That is a story I have told- Perhaps one of the first on this blog.


The part that I continuously omit was my introduction to my homosexuality.

duh DUH DUUUHHHHHHHHHHH

I had a sexual interaction with another male human formed being. His name was like Keith or something. It was weird. Didn't like it much. 

That situation drove me into a deep pit of confusion.

Who am I? Am I one of the Gay? Am I bad? Am I wrong? What will my family think?

I would have interactions with friends and family- and the feeling was there- the moment I knew I could say something. To a few folks, I did. 

Shout out to Jasmine the first person I called- right after the man sex.

Fast forward through 3 (plus?) years  (*This was 2015) of confusion, anxiety, and continued depression. Yikes. I entered a relationship with a wonderful young woman, she knew and supported (...Supported? She supported... My sexuality? Is that make sense?) my then- described Bi- Sexuality.

In my own confusion and lust I was infidelic (is that a word?) in my relationship with her and entangled myself with a number of other gentlemen. That number is two. 

The spiral began.

I had the weight of my unwholesome discernment on me. It boiled and brewed. I had acted as a tyrant- thinking only of myself and my desires. (Which... technically we all do all the time... That's a different thing though not an excuse. Different.. We'll talk.)

I built resentment and created animosity in that relationship- indirectly and sometimes directly. Unnecessary emotional aggravation caused by a self esteem and doubt that was deep within me. Heh.

In this turmoil- in a bout of straight lust and sexual neediness mixed with the curiosity of that other feeling- I began experimenting with this new world. Introducing intoxicants. That good shit. That fire.

In the interaction that followed I was taken advantage of and raped.


I couldn't put together what had happened. Not that I couldn't remember, I remember very clearly, I couldn't...  organize it.

Now, I had figured this was my Just Desserts. My Karma. What I deserved for my philandering.

I didn't say anything about it to anyone for quite awhile. I quietly got tested (shout out to Gay City- savin lives damn near anonymously) and found that all was biologically well. I tried to let it go.

I stopped my interactions with men all together.
(In an entirely separate situation, I kissed a girl on a family cruise, after a miscommunication between my partner and I. It was silly of me, it wasn't worth it.)

Months went by. I was worse than ever in my relationship. Mood swings, anger, depression, anxiety.

These things were a shared experience between us. She was loving throughout the whole time, never wavering, even with her own life and challenges to work through.

I still loved her. I still lusted after her. I still found her incredibly attractive. 

There was always the guilt hanging above all of it. The resentment was ferocious.

I told her about everything in January of 2016. I didn't want the new year to roll in with this all on me.

It was devastating to see the hurt I had caused someone that I touted love for.

Somehow our relationship survived that. We kept on, after some time of separated processing, we remained as a labeled unit.

I was the image of loyalty in my head. Nothing doing.

And, I was unhappy. I resented the constant urge to reassure her that I was where I said I was- to continue to reach out to her to let her know about this really great loyalty I was doing.

This was all my creation. My insecurity, fear, confusion. Manifesting itself as a sad being.

I resented her for "making" me make a decision to reassure her of something that she never asked for reassurance in- in something that I was and am 100% responsible for. My vicious cycle.

I realized this cycle and decided that I should separate from the relationship. That I should spend some time with myself. Wisdom collected from many mentors I am incredibly fortunate to have.

I had focused on another person in terms of having a "relationship" since middle school. It was always a "cool" thing, I suppose. A girlfriend. My girl. Obadiah + whatever name. (____Diah. Ya'll know how I do.)

This was difficult, to say the least. I truly felt as though feel as though this is a person with good values and good intentions, filled with love and the urge to see justice in the world. I admire her.

She ultimately understood and we went our ways.

("Our ways" was confusing in it's beginning. I left to learn more of myself- being a sexual being, that included learning about through intimate interactions with women. Just women this time. They were nice, though ultimately I felt the truth of the importance of my singularity in every interaction.

I was misleading in my behavior upon our separation. I feel as though I communicated that we would ultimately get back together- maybe I actually thought we would. I could not know at the time. I just knew single was the way to be- I had to learn what being focused on me was like.)

Fast forward a bit here. This is getting lengthy.

I rekindled a relationship with an old friend. A mutual friend of my now ex and I.

She popped up. Surprisingly. At a show. One of Ot's shows.

We talked, caught up a bit, introduced each other to the peeps we were with. It was extremely decent.

Feeling like good vibes, I asked if she wanted to grab tea and catch up properly- being an artist I was am genuinely interested in her progress. She said yeah.

ZZZZrrmmrmmrmmm (fast forward sound)

We vibed mad hard, yo. I hadn't had a conversation so enriching in awhile when we spoke, we spoke from the evening into the morning one night, with only a few lulls in conversation. Lit.

A solid friendship, (with feelings on the edge, I'll admit.) she invited me on a compelling adventure to a seminar on new ways of living this thing, "Life". It was also lit.

We became as close as what the world refers to as "Boyfriend" and "Girlfriend" before I realized that I was rolling into my habit of focusing on another being. Yikes.

Again, I am fortunate to have people more loving than I around me. Through hurt, we also separated per my decision. 

With a very wholesome recovery of friendship, I must add. :)

TLDR:

Then. Vipassana.

Where I am returning from today: where I realized that all of this experience is one big egotistical trip and I have been causing all of this suffering through my own craving and aversion of reactions to a sensational world.

Where my gayness (whooooaaaa dude I said it.) is not even mine. It just is. (in fact.. Yo I think we're all somewhere some kind of "gay" like sexuality is so fluid honestly being Straight is a choice.)

And so, I must admit I am queer. I don't like labels- they don't tell accuracy for me- though through research I think I'm what the folks say is "Pansexual".


Also, totally different point. I'm changing my name. Legally. "To what?" you may ask.

to

Obadiah F. Freeman.

It's a lot of paperwork and I'm realizing how many accounts and documents have "Terry" or 'Stephens-Terry" on them. Bare with me.

I'll explain that to you in person. Hit me up and we'll meet and chat. For real. No calling or texting- I'd love to see you.

I'm done harboring these experiences as my own ; these anxieties, anger and confusion.

**These are the mistakes I made, this is the person I have been. This is who I am. I take responsibility for my actions, and now, I move forward.

It's clear to me that I am made of love. I don't want to be another cause of misery in the world- there is enough of that.

This blog post is not to pardon my behavior. It's for you readers to know who I've been, through what I've done. And to invite you to become a part of who I am to become. To this journey of honesty, truth, love, and some difficult self-reflection.

I'm fully available and open to questions and whatnot, and I'd truly love to talk to you, and to listen to your stories. Consider it, or not.

THOUGH I AM SORRY, I AM GRATEFUL.

I am here. I am now.