Fin.

I was incredibly sad these last 3 years.

with incredible bitterness and anger at the beginning of the year.

I was hearing rumors about myself from my ex. Rumors so egregious that they led me to seek legal counsel, and the counsel of my brothers and close friends.

Rumors that denigrated my reputation with a few people, sure... But more impactfully, rumors that devastated my own self confidence. Rumors that made me doubt myself in ways that led me to anxious days and depressed nights. That made me question my own memory, my own experience... my own reality. Rumors that made me incapable of being present in moments where I usually felt most free.

For years I acted as a codependent partner to someone who was unable to take accountability for their own actions made through their very valid past/childhood trauma, and I suffered the consequences of their frustration at a world that wouldn't take care of them and their needs.

I made more space for the anger and fear of my partner than I made for my own happiness and clarity.

I was kept away from spaces where I found joy while I was made a villain in the eyes of people who had never had an authentic conversation with me. 

I was placed in a position where I didn't belong.

Even then, I made efforts to be compassionate. I made efforts to find clarity with someone who had already decided to see me the way they wanted to. With someone who made the right decisions all the time, no matter what. With someone who regularly dismissed and disposed of attempts at positive communication.

Arguments erupted amongst our mutual friends. The power of the rumor was at times more powerful than people's curiosity to find out if it were actually true. 

A claim made that should be expeditiously investigated on all sides was made into a side vs. side with no questions asked by those most reactive- with details left so murky that the accusation seemed deliberately unclear. As if there was an effort to ride the coattail of the power of a call to action that so many have relied on to seek justice where truly egregious atrocities were committed. Like the tale of the Trojan Horse, but make it Social Justice.

The emotional, mental, verbal, and spiritual abuse became paramount over even the threat of my physical safety.

It was as if the gaslighting continued beyond the grave of this deceased relationship... Any escape from one direction led to facing another extreme toxicity in another direction. I only recently feel as though the storm is subsiding and the sun is finally breaking through the clouds. I only recently feel free again.

While this tumultuous journey has offered me the most suffering I've faced in my adult life, the opportunity to see people for who they really are has become incredibly apparent, and this is a gift I wouldn't return for the world. My friends and family who listened to my story offered me my reflection. They so effortlessly showed me the love and compassion I had given away and inspired me to continue living with it. I know you're reading this. Thank you. I love you so much. 

Life continues to happen, no matter what happens in life. People will have their own things to say, their own arguments to make, and their own challenges to face. In all these things I continue to find myself more and more capable of experiencing them with the discernment of a wiser man- and for that I have endless gratitude.

We live in a time now where words can easily sway a thoughtless mind to believe an entire story because it was packaged in a familiar way. So now, more than ever, it is incredibly important to remain curious, not judgmental. To address all sides accordingly- not to seek the story that is reminiscent of a believable truth; but to vigorously pursue the truth itself.

I don't believe that people are bad. I believe that people are always trying to be happy, and sometimes they hurt people along the way. I appreciate when I'm given the opportunity to experience the pain I inevitably cause, because it gives me the chance to express authentic empathy for those I've hurt. I don't wish distress of any amount on any being, unless it's a solid opportunity for a joke... Or if we're talking about the former president. Even then, he's not objectively bad, unfortunately :/

Anyway, every "today" is special because it's a chance to live more skillfully than it's given "yesterday"- with more awareness, compassion, love, and patience for one another. 

Godspeed!

Thank you for reading.

-O