My grandma's Louisiana drawl lands on my ears and I smile.
"Hey, Grandma!"
She would immediately mention the style of my hair.
"Boy, you need a haircut!"
I'd explain to her "It's for work grandma, I'll cut it as soon as I can..."
"Oh, it's for work..."
She'd sigh (dramatically), make one of her signature faces- eyebrows raised and eyes looking off to the side, lips turned down, chin would be raised in whichever direction it desired and she'd let out a disbelieving "...Okay" as she turned her head away. I laughed every time.
I'm really going to miss that woman.
That woman who defied odds in a time when the odds were undefiable. My grandma lived on this planet for 86 years, even though in my head she's always been a cool 70. Literally, back in early March when I was in Washington at her house she was talking about cutting it up at her dancing day "Over at The Center."
She was the most powerful member of my family, she is what defines what it meant to be a Stephens.
My grandma turned a room into smiles. She walked with God. She had to be God's favorite.
I remember being 7 years old, living in Vienna, Virginia on Silent Tree Drive. My family was only there for a year but Grandma Dorthy had come out and visited us.
As a child I was... Anxious. I was anxious around Grandma. We were having dinner and I, out of frustration with my own anxiety went and ate in the kitchen counter, standing up. I just couldn't sit at the table. It wasn't until later that I could truly consider how that must've made her feel.
I started appreciating my grandmother's presence as I grew older. The jokes I and my brothers and cousins would make started to have some real definition. We would impersonate her mannerisms and voice and laugh with love at just how consistent her being was, so much so that seeing her walk into a room was like an international superstar walked in.
Someone would say "Hey Grandma!" and everyone would look and there would be comments flying around about what she had on, (which had to be FLY! Grandma didn't leave the house if she wasn't ready to walk into a corporate business meeting or like someone's royal wedding) and the outfit was frequently (inside or outside, didn't matter) topped off with sunglasses, which all really would have been enough to complete her celebrity look but to top it all off when people would inevitably pull out cameras for pictures (/a photo opp) she REFUSED. Grandma was out here "No photos"-ing her own family!!!
I've been crying more in the last 3 days than I have in years. Grandma wasn't "supposed" to go for another decade, at least...
But I think about who she is. She hurt her ankle back in February and couldn't leave the house. I remember calling her and visiting her and just experiencing her spirit's transformation, not being able to travel as freely as she deserves. She wanted to dance, to go out. As soon as her ankle healed, she was right back at it!
Following the state and federal guidelines to combat the novel coronavirus, COVID-19, the family had been urging her to stay at home for her protection... But staying at home didn't seem like enough for a person like her.
I had already moved to LA, so all I could do was call her. Our talks were usually short over the phone- a simple check-in and story or two. We would often hang up after telling each other what we had going on next. She would usually end with "I'm gonna go have lunch with my friend from church" or "I'm gonna go to dancin'" and her voice would be filled with excitement. More recently it was "I'll be here." And she just sounded... Tired of it.
Grandma could've lived as long as she wanted to. She did.
Our usual conversations were riddled with the most nonchalant mentions of death. Her friends, her family, her community members were passing all the time. She once got confused as to which funeral she was referring to in a story and was totally unphased by it.
She loved talking about how she had bought her plot & headstone at Washelli for like $100 and "Guess how much it costs now? Ten. Thousand. Dollars!" She even already had her casket picked out! She brought a picture of it to our holiday party!
Grandma didn't fear death. She was too close to God to fear death.
I know she loves us. I once heard her on the phone with her friend and I could just hear the pride (and competition) in her voice as she said how many grandkids she has, in response to how many her friend had. Then she went on to count her great-grandkids after her friend must've stumped her grandkid- count. (Grandma had more great-grandkids though, I heard her "win" in her tone😤).
Her passing feels like a devastating loss to our family. She's left some huge shoes to fill, and it's probably going to take a few aunties to fill them. (Let alone make them work with the rest of the outfit.)
I just know she chose this because she wasn't boring and was forced to be bored. She wasn't going to be forced to do anything she didn't want to do.
She was found in her bed, passed away in her sleep. At peace.
The last time I was at her house she showed me her (surprisingly large) collection of Black angel dolls, which, given the time they came from made me feel like there weren't many of them created. She would say, "Come and see my angels!" Then again, as she pointed around the living room with a chuckle and a smile, "You see all my beautiful, Black angels?"
She made us sandwiches, eggs, and oatmeal that day... (she just kept giving me whatever food she wanted to put together and I just kept eating and wanting more.)
I am so grateful I got to eat with her one last time... It was so good.
Grandma Dorthy, thank you so much for having me back at the table... I'm honored to be one of your grandchildren... I am so lucky to be one of the many that get to call you Grandma. We miss you. I miss you.
... But I know you're up there dancing with your friends, and God needed her beautiful Black angel.
Here's your Op-ah-die!
I love you, Grandma.
♥️
(I'm still going to cut my hair as soon as I can!!!)