Hello.
I think it's been... Awhile since I last talked to you.
Like a child who grew out of his home I didn't even know I still needed you.
And here we are.
I miss you.
Yes, you.
This future we're in... I don't know where it ends. I feel like it's near. I feel like my time is soon. I don't know who I will be next, but I know it won't be too different.
I don't... I'm not sure if I can.. Remember who I was. All I can remember is who I wanted to be. I keep seeing little iterations of that person in myself now, but at the same time I keep creating more goals, more deadlines, more standards.
I am controlling. I believe that I can see the world in it's best shape. I believe that I am right.
I am wrong for that.
The world... The world doesn't give a shit what I think. The world.. The planet doesn't mind my complaining. The planet has seen millions of me. I am a flash of light here. 90, maybe 100 years out of billions. I am less than a penny in a hundred dollars.
But I am so great.
I am brilliant, I am phenomenal, I am fantastic... That's what I've heard.
I don't know what I believe, though.
I see the pain in the world. The struggles. The heartbreak and the trauma... It's in the news all the time. It's in my neighborhood. It's in my friends. It's in my family.
What's the point?
What's the point when we have to fight to find peace? They lead into one another. They create one another.
It is the most natural balance.
But humanity has tipped the scale. Down to the psyche of an individual.
We will cheer on the Gazelle and forget that the Lioness has to eat.
I am hurting. I hurt when I stop and think that I am unable to make a dent on giving the power back to the Lioness.
Nobody cheers for the stalks of grass.
The grass is eating the fucking Lion.
I feel at home, at peace... When I am on stage. When I am a character. When I tell jokes. These things... They aren't me. But they are what they are. They are significant for that purpose. They are definable and detailed and scripted. They are perfect for what they are.
I am imperfect. I am dirty, filthy... Unkept and... The creator of these great things.
My death will not impact that. It will, ultimately, not impact the Gazelle. Or the Lion. Maybe some grass, though.
My ideas will be reborn. This energy is infinite. I will never be gone from this system... So I don't fear it anymore.
We get caught up in the intricacies. The drama. The issues. The friends we lost and the people we made angry.
Fuck that. Fuck them.
With this finite time you want to complain? Argue? Fuss? Hurt and confuse others?
Just fucking say it. Just do it. Just be it.
I am so insecure. I'm so insecure I'd leave my doors open just to show everyone I'm not hiding anything. I'd have to hide the things I'm hiding first, though.
I hate when I get emotionally unstable when something of little consequence happens.
I get so upset at the thought of someone betraying me.
I get confused because they say things that people that don't betray you would say.
I don't believe them.
Because I am insecure.
So I let it all out. I don't believe you, but you can stay as long as you know that.
What the fuck does that do for anyone?
I need to cut people off.
Or believe them.
Now... will that just leave me with more people that hate me? Probably.
Part of me wants to braggadociosly say "fuck you" to all the people who hate me.
But the peace in me wants to forgive them and heal their negative vibes towards me.
I get caught up in situations and situationships like this.
I can't heal anybody. That's not my business.
I can only deal with the emotions in my space.
Sometimes, though, when I really care? I'll reach out.
I'll ask why did you do that? Is this what you meant to illicit? Do you know what you're doing when you do that?
Do you care?
Will you change?
Is it... Worth it to you?
Are you willing?
If not, it's time to reconsider what this all means.
It's not a difficult concept, to me.
But maybe, that's because I am controlling. And I believe I know what is right for the world.
Maybe we should all just mind our own goddamned business.
We should also let people know to mind their own goddamned business.
If we hadn't fucked eachother over in the beginning this would have been an easy world peace strategy.
But we got all up in eachothers business. Now it's everybody's business. It's messy.
Maybe that's what a romantic relationship is.
Too much business getting intertwined.
It's pepsi and coke trying to sell the same drink.
It's just... not the same.. drink..
Do everything you can. The rest is up to you.